Can't put a finger on it!

So, now I am sitting in bedroom alone trying to figure out what actually is bothering me in the Church. 
I suppose I have a list of things, but I can honestly say that most members probably struggle with these things. With me I think it's something more deeper than that and I still can't figure it out. 
So I went to Institute this week and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel suffocated and I had no bad feelings. But I still didn't feel good. I just felt numb.I suppose that is progress. I still just feel out of place and that I don't belong. I don't know where I belong. I feel out of place when hanging out with non-members, but I feel out of place with members too. So where is my place? I'm so in-between. I just don't connect with people. I don't what it is about me. 
I've decided to go to church tomorrow. I will update tomorrow.

What happened next?

So I carried on going to church, I felt that it was my duty to stay strong because I had a calling. I couldn't let my nursery children down. So I carried on going to activities and trying to make new friends. I even went to the YSA convention in 2009. I was hoping to feel something there, but still nothing. By the beginning of 2010 I was made redundant. I got myself in a rut once again, I felt like I had nothing to wake up to. The only reason I'd go to was church and was only for my nursery children. I stopped going to YSA activities. I felt worthless. I felt like I had nothing to offer the world. I was in a very dark place. I did the job search, but still nothing. 
My Mum was starting to get concerned and she just wanted me to get out of the house. So she sent me to stay with one of my brother for a month. This did me alot of good, it got me out of the house and I was able to see my brother and his family who I don't see very often. I had the chance to go to Sunday school, which I hadn't been to in over a year because of nursery. I even think I felt the spirit. Well I was definitely uplifted and I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I even did some work down there. I was starting to feel that worth again. 
When I got back I promised myself to not get myself in that mess again and that I would try to do more things in my life even though I didn't have a job. I went to Young Womens camp as a councilor.  I loved every minute. I loved getting to know everyone there. We had so much fun. I decided then that I wanted to try in the church and try to feel something. I went to YSA convention in 2010. I tried my best to make new friends and to get in touch with the spirit. But I just couldn't get anything. I felt nothing, I didn't feel good or bad. I felt numb. But I desperately wanted to feel something. So I got myself fully involved in activities. I went to institute and Church every week. But still nothing. Still numbness. In the new year I got released from my calling. But since then I have only been to church once. I just feel so suffocated there. I wonder if I would have been active in the church if I hadn't had that calling in the first place. Now I am facing all these questions and confusion. I am no longer going to sit back and feel numb and not address these feelings. I need to face these problems and once I have gotten my answers I need to make a final decision. Do I believe this is the one true gospel of Christ and do I want to carry on being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Confused even more.

So, I at first took the news about my Dad very badly. I would even say I was very angry towards my Dad. He was very strict about the church. So I'll tell you a bit about my Dad in the relation to the church, to perhaps help you understand why it effected me so much. 
My Dad was always a devoted member of the church. He was a member for 36 years and he put his all into being a good member. He was Bishop and very loving one. He had open arms and welcomed everyone. He was also a High Councilor and for some time a Ward Mission Leader, he had many other callings. He always went that extra mile in his callings. He cared so much for the people. He even welcomed one member who was struggling at home to live with us. He met my Mum in the temple, if he hadn't been a member of the church we would have never have been a family. He devoted his life to his family and friends. He made sure he had a big family because he believed that's what God wanted him to do. I am the youngest of 7. They would have had more but my Mums health wasn't great. He was my strength in the church, I went to him when I was struggling. I believed everything he told me, in my mind he was right about everything. Sometimes he was very strict with us about things. Especially the older children, I think they got it worse. My oldest brother had the pressure of going on a mission, that he should have probably waited until he was ready for it. My sisters felt the pressure of getting married to a worthy member of the church. When one of my sisters got married to a non-member, my Dad spoke to my brother in-law. He told him he knows he's a great man, but he would have liked it if she married a member of the church, just so she could get sealed. 
So you could only imagine how I felt, how I was angry, confused and upset. Everything that I had been taught from him the past 18 years felt like a lie to me. I was already struggling with my faith in the church and then this happened and it confused me even more. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't want to face it. So I concentrated on other things in the church. I started going to institute, YSA FHE and YSA Sunday School. I was starting to feel like I was getting stronger. I felt like what happened to my Dad was making me stronger. In February 2009 I was called as the Nursery Leader. I loved it, I put my all into it. I was fully active again. I was going to every activity, I was making new friends. I also even thought there was hope for my Dad.
On Thursday 16th July 2009 my Dad removed his name from the Church Records. He was no longer a member of the church, I could no longer ask him to give me a blessing when I'm sick. If anyone else in my family get's sealed in the temple, he can no longer go see that happening. I can no longer go to him for advice in the church. It once again opened new questions that no one could seem to answer. Are the rest of my family still sealed? What had changed in him? What was his turning point? Had he ever believed in the gospel? What will happen now? 
I will leave it at that for now. I will shortly be adding more. Once again thanks for reading and please feel free to add comments. 

When it all began?

I was born into a strong LDS AKA Mormon family. We had a good upbringing, we had our ups and downs, just like most families. Growing up in the church I never knew anything different. I was taught about the church from day one, when I turned 8 it was only natural for me to get baptized. I always knew/ thought I'd follow the church through and through. I never thought anything would pull me away.

When I hit my teens things started to change. I started to explore, like most teenagers do. I tried my first cigarette when I was in my first year of High School. I liked it, then I carried on until I got into my 2nd year. But then in my 3rd year I started again, not long after that I started to drink alcohol, I was able to buy alcohol in pubs at the age of 14. Every Friday night I would drink and party. Then I'd go to Church on the Sunday and act like everything was ok. But when I turned 15 I decided to stop drinking and smoking, because I felt like I needed to change and focus more on the church. I really did start to get my head stuck in the church then. My mind was truly set on repenting and doing what I knew was right. I took my calling in young womens as Mia Maids president seriously and I was finally starting to make friends in the Church.

I even got myself a boyfriend in my 5th year of high school, I was a bit under the age guideline, but that didn't matter to me. I was starting to feel really involved in the church, I was really settled. But by the time I was 16 I had started to drink and smoke again. I would even sometimes smoke some pot. In my mind then, I was having the time of my life. My church life was slowly falling to pieces. I was losing touch with my friends in the church, I wasn't getting on with my young womens leader and I was struggling to get on with my family. My friendships outside the church was getting stronger. They seemed to me at the time the most important people in my life.

That summer I went to EFY, which was a great experience. And I still to this day treasure those memories. When I got back I swore to myself I would improve my life in the church. That didn't last long, it took a month for me to start smoking again and I was once again drinking in pubs on my weekends soon after. I made friends with some new people at college. And they introduced me to a new way of thinking, Parents can't tell us what to do, it's our lives and we will live it the way we please. So I started coming home really late on Friday nights, not caring what my parents would say or even think of me. I would be home as late as 3am sometimes. About April 2007 I dropped out of college and then I stopped going to church full stop. I had got myself in a rut at the age of 17. In the summer my parents asked me if I would like to move away. I was to live with my Brother, until I found somewhere else to live. I also started a new course at college. I was active again, but not fully. I wouldn't take the sacrament because I had done some things I wasn't proud of. But that didn't stop me from going out to clubs and drinking with my new friends on weekends .

By the next summer I was living at home again. Something had changed in me and to this day I still can't say what it was. I stopped smoking and drinking. Not because I wanted to be a worthy member of the church, just because I knew I really didn't like the scene anymore and alcohol always ended in bad things for me. I was finally understanding myself and the church. I was getting there, I believed in it. I wanted to know more. Then my strength in the church got struck by a bolt of lightning. My Father, the one person, I trusted and believed told me he no longer believes in the church. It felt like everything I was taught about the church from him was a lie. I was finally getting a grip of my life and then it felt like my world was tumbling down. It had opened up new questions and more confusion.

 I will add more soon about what happened next. Thanks for reading, feel free to add comments.