Notes on Sunday

So I know it's been awhile. A lot has happened the last few months. I am now currently living with a family who I know from my ward. I still don't have a job, but I remain optimistic. My parents has decided to get a divorce, which will be finalized this coming Monday. When I first got told I was shocked. But soon after I realized it is for the best. I haven't cried about it. I don't know whether that's be cause I'm in denial or because I'm fine about it. I know if I found out about this 4 months ago, I would have freaked because I was already emotional.
I've also come to the realization that the only reason why I go to church is for social reasons. I will always be a Christian, but I don't believe there is one true church. I still believe in a lot of the principles in the church and most churches. It's just morals that most people believe in. But I just sit in church and not get anything from it. Apart from a bit of comedy. I know some people in the church would say that's the devil talking. But the devil DOES NOT dictate my life, I DO.

So while I've been at church I've been writing notes of how I feel and things that I notice. Things that stick out to me. If you don't want to be offended DO NOT READ!

I have changed the names just so it doesn't offend anyone. Hope you enjoy!!

Sunday 10th July 2011


As we sang the first song a 'none-member' was singing the song really loud, pretty much taking the mick. As awkward as it was, I couldn't help laughing, as I was watching the 'members' faces in shock and disgust. I just got told to stop typing, been told 2 times, by 2 people. Wow, has anyone ever heard of free agency? I just looked around and only about a third are actually listening and my 'non-member' dad is one of them, typical. Betty is too busy admiring Emma's baby. The 'none member' left, he probably thought, this is boring, I'd rather be at the pub. I'm feeling a little crowded, I wish I was at home watching smallville. Mum is moving further away from dad, if she moves anymore she will fall off her seat. The talk is about the commandments....I think? Amy was shocked when she saw my wallpaper on my phone, it says 'fml ysa', it was all worth it, just to see the look on her face. Gosh pretty much everyone looks bored to death. Zanna is sat next to her boy friend, I wonder if they've kissed. The 'none member' looks like he's checking Bethy (a14 yr old girl) out, he looks like he's 45. Maybe older. Quote from Robert, 'true happiness only comes to those who follow the gospel of Jesus christ'. President Alien Head, just started the talk with drugs, this is more like it. He just said that man is less than the dust of the earth, wow, that's a bit harsh. Is this over yet? The voices of Lancaster ward are like angels!!!!! Wow that prayer from Betty was way too long! Pfffffff this is going to be a long day. Gosh Gary is so sexually frustrated he keeps talking about sex. Todays lesson is about the death of Jesus, to brighten our Sunday. Did I just hear the teacher mention the Hoff? Bored bored bored, woooooh did he just say cock? Is this really about the death of Jesus? I just love how the teachers chin shakes when he talks. Zanna bf seems reasonably normal, I dont get it!! Bla bla bla bla bla!!!!!! I'm excited to go home and have our games night, probably go to sainsburys. Ahhhhhh I love the teachers testimony, he's so sure that he 'KNOWs' the truth. We have to have visiting teaching meetings, 'I'm so excited'! Yay Sally is teaching. But it is on family responsibilities, fun! The first question was do you really know the people you marry? The answer was no, yes that's right in the Mormon world. Now they are talking about divorce, GREAT!! Marriage advice, once again Jane mentions that her and her husband dont argue. They obviously dont have fire in their relationship. She just said you need to treat your household as a business.....wow great advice! They are doing role playing, these women should get an Oscar. Is it home time yet? I remember Sister Jenkins said that Sally doesn't follow the book enough, and?????! Her lessons are the least boring. Right come on wrap it up! Yay home time! Another typical day at church, ending the day with the song love at home. Oh the joy! And yet again another long prayer. AMEN!




Sunday 17th July 2011


So I'm sitting here with a massive headache waiting for church to begin and im already ready to go home. One of the new elders introduced himself to me, it was slightly awkward. Must note there's a ward activity in august, because I really am going to it pahahaha. Haha Berly is doing the sacrament. Mum has this smile on her face, it looks like something from a horror movie. It's starting to freak me out. I didn't feel like taking the sacrament, just felt like I had no choice, bishop will prod for info. Oh this is dire. Ralph's arm is around Gail, I guess they really are together, I hear wedding bells. Wow this girl is doing a long talk for her age, brainwashed much. Ahh our new elders are now talking. This guy can't be 19-21, church members need to learn how to act their age. Ooo mum is sat next to her bestfriend, no my dad isn't here, its Betty. This other guy sounds European. Atleast he isn't a yank. But his testimony is way too long. The facial expressions people pull while singing is funny, so dramatic. Ok so this isn't going too bad Ethan is doing the last talk. Oh sorry president Kurkowski, as bishop put it. I could just go to sleep still. Oh oh Ralph is rubbing Gail's back. That man really does creep me out. Awww you can see Gemma really cares about Gail, but Gail doesn't show any positive attention to her. Gemma has her arm around her. Seriously everyone looks bored to death. I'm sat thinking of the profound words of up there from south park, it's the story of my life except I need to change the lyrics to out there. As in out of the church. Last hymn finally. In the the lyrics of oh my father it says, 'In the heav’ns are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare!'. Wow bold! Sunday school time. Eww Gary's tie is blinding. I decided to go to the adult class, it's more cosy. Mums arm is around Betty. One of the biggest/important things the world will celebrate the next 20 years, is the 200th anniversary of the restoration of the church, in 2030. I don't know about them, but I'll be too busy celebrating my 40th birthday. I can hear Zanna's voice in the ysa class haha. Mum is munching on something as usual. I want my bed! Mum spoke of my sisters 'spiritual' experience at school, when she had to answer questions to the children about the church. Trey and I were that bored we skipped the last lesson and went to asda. Zanna is flirting with the new missionary, what about her boyfriend? Yes another long and depressing day at church, amen to that!




Sunday 24th July 2011


The BBQ is this coming Friday or I could go to mossfest? Which one should I go to? Hmmmm.....neither! During the first song mum is pulling faces and shaking her head haha. How embarrassing. My two favourite people are giving talks today, Gary and Trish. Gary is a preacher, I hate his voice. He has such a patronising tone to it. Jelly Pudding looks like she hasn't brushed her hair in years. Her daughter is here. Ethan looks fed up as Gary gives his 'uplifting' words. Trishes turn now, here she comes to ruin the DAY!! It's so slow, I could actually fall to sleep to her voice. But luckily it was a short talk. Peter is talking about old macdonald. Mark is here with his devil child. Hmmmmmmmmm la la la la bored much! Peter sounds like a robot. The kite festival is on today I should have gone to that instead! Woooh that was short. Mums face, she needs to stop pulling nasty faces. Sunday school now. Mum sat next to her bff again, hmmm she's crying. No idea what this lesson is all about. Just had a cheese string. Yum! Someone just gave us scriptures. Probably because we are whispering. Might go sit in mums car for next lesson. Or maybe go to asda. Maybe both? Mum speaking of her spiritual experience, gave me a burning in my bosom. Oh mum is talking about me. About when she gave birth to me, a bit personal. She's crying again. Once again I couldn't stand the thought of going to relief society. So I'm currently waiting in Mum's car. Boiling to death. Why do I bother going?


Sunday 7th August 2011


So I'm sat in the chapel and they just opened the doors and a gush of cold air came flying in and that's not the only thing. There's this horrid stale smell. You can tell that no one cleans the place anymore. I've heard that some mushrooms were growing in the chapel. Fast and testimony meeting my favourite.......no really it is. So we've got a newly RM here. And gosh you can tell, yet again someone who doesn't act their age. Burt is talking about his washing machine...... Crazyyyyyy! Laura just said she loves my mum.......pedestal much? Wow that was a long awkward silence. Wow this is actually boring. Oh no mum is getting up. She is grateful for her membership in the church. And her mission. She's just blabbering. Does she mention her family.....no. Oh wait she just mentioned her sons for going on a mission. Just not us girls. Ahhhh Harry. He's a funny looking man isn't he. He frightens me a bit. Just noticed that the Sharples aren't here. What a shame! Gail......her hair just gets more and more crazy every week. Ralph must have been playing with it. Aww Johnny, can't take the mick out of him can I. Another awkward silence......this is agony. Oooo a visiter just broke the silence. He's talking about his dead dad and that it was a comfort to him that he will see him again in the next life, because of the temple. I worry that people in the church don't grieve properly because of that 'comfort'. Maybe thats why the church has so many crazy nutters. Because they just get to a boiling point because they haven't dealt with the death of a loved one. Man this yank missionary is so weird. It still makes me laugh that mum called him the china man. Ahhhh it's finished now Bish just got up. Man, Helen is right his tie really is bright. It's blinding. It's a bright hot pink. Or would men say crimson. Haha I almost spoke in the prayer. Not good. I can't make out whether I like mums dress. Maybe it just doesn't look good on her, probably would look good on my sister. I have no idea what this lesson is about. But Davie just said wouldn't it be easier and great if everyone was white like him. Wow! Mum is munching on something and it's fast sunday. What a rebel. Franny just patted Gail's bum. Tut tut. Boring.


Sunday 25th August 2011


So don't you just hate it when they pick a hymn that pretty much no one knows. It seriously makes everyone feel awkward and practically everyone wants to burst out and start laughing. It's kind of ironic, hymns are meant to uplift and keep the reverence, but when they pick songs no one knows there is anything but reverence. That's what just happened. I couldn't stop laughing. The mighty big troll is now talking, seriously does he have his own language? Troll language. He just said he wants to make a happy pill. He's so insightful. Just looking around and I just saw Ethan, he's shaking. He looks like he's on edge. Maybe it's drugs? Troll head is going on about football. Wow! Now Ethan looks like he's going to fall asleep, I know how he feels. I think that Betty has kidnapped again, she has a bunch of kids sat with her. Here comes our recent RM. Man he's like a robot.


Sunday 4th September 2011


Lancasters voices hasn't sounded as bad as that in a while. Hmmmm....... Ahhhh testimony meeting has come around again. There's something awkward with the way Peter speaks. It's comical. Ahhhh let the show begin!!! Yep already an awkward silence. No spoke to soon. Ahaha Jelly Pudding!!! She can't speak properly. MY sister's impression is spot on! Hmmm does she wash her hair? The guy with the sunglasses on his head looks like he actually polishes his head. No ones head is that shiny! Oh noooo mum is up!!! Akkkkkk!!!!!! Shes going on about challengers and how she's got a big one!!!!! Arrg this is horrid! Arrg I want to get out of here. Yep doesn't mention her family again! I think that Burt looks a bit like Quagmire, he's quite like him too! Here we go, Trish! Oh she said she needs to bare her testimony! She's not mentioning trials wow! What's wrong with the world! Wooh here is the new student! Yep he's stiff! Give him a few weeks with our YSA that will soon change. Omg he's going on about the temptations of Satan! How you can drink under 21 here in the uk! Wow! He sounds like a member of the 70! Maybe he should get promoted. Ahhh here he is Fred!!! Oh he knows this is the true church! He's not breathing as much this time. Disappointment all around! Oh dear this visitor is all kinds of awkward!!!! Yep another awkward silence! WTF is this scripture all about? "but I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." this is a bit sexiest!!!! It's funny a few minutes later they say that man and woman are equals, contradictory much!!!!!  


That's all I got so far. I hope you enjoyed them. I will keep you all updated!

Thanks for reading!

Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow!

Do you ever look in the mirror and ask yourself who is this person staring back at me? I do every morning. It's like after I've been to sleep I forget who I am. But when I do this declaration I remember who I am and what I'm worth. It's made me feel good.
I've had another good week. I think it's important to keep yourself busy even when you don't have a job. Otherwise you lose your self worth and respect. I've had another offer for a place to live, which is great. I think I'm going to go with this one. It just feels like things are falling in place. I feel like I'm taking a step forward in life. 

Positive thinking

So this has been a good week. I've put all my worries aside and decided to move forward in my life. I went to town and dropped off a few CV's and applied for some jobs online. I might not get a job from any of these, but it feels good to try. I have been in search for a place to live. And already I have an offer. It's amazing how fast things can happen. I can now tell you all, I have been called as the female YSA rep for my ward. And even though I am struggling with my faith, I feel that this is going to be a good thing. 
When times get hard, that's when you find out how many great people you have in your life. Last Sunday night, I felt miserable, but I had 3 great friends talking to me and comforting me. When I realised what was going on, it took the tears away and replaced it with a smile. It made me realise that people do care and don't want to see me hurt. 
I think I'm starting to understand what's going on in my head at the moment. I've come realise the reason why I feel like I'm falling apart is because things around me is falling apart. And I can't stop it, I can't control it. So I started to freak out. I felt useless and worthless, because there was nothing I could do about it. 
But now I've realised, instead of weeping about it, I can take control of my own life. 
A friend once told me that if you say a positive deceleration about you to yourself in the mirror, it will eventually build up my esteem and I'd start believing what I'm saying. So I've decided that each morning I get up I'm going to choose from the following declarations:


I AM ME

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine
because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, 
whether they be to others or to myself -- I own my fantasies, 
my dreams, my hopes, my fears -- I own all my triumphs and 
successes, all my failiures and mistakes because I own all of 
me, I can become intimately acquainted with me -- By so doing 
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -- I know 
there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other 
aspects that I do not know -- But as long as I am 
friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously 
and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles 
and for ways to find out more about me -- However I
look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever 
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me 
-- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought 
and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is 
unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that 
which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do 
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be pro-
ductive, and to make sense and order out of the world of 
people and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore 
I can engineer me - I am me and

I AM OKAY





And the next one is.




I am a child of God. I am a good person. I am made in God's image. I am intelligent.
Today I will put all negativity behind me. I am loved. Today I will rejoice in my abilities. I have many talents. God loves me.
Today I have confidence. I am not a victim. I look forward to each new day. I no longer feel the need to control others. I will be who I am.
I affirm my worth and goodness. I am a loving person. I am a strong person. I am a friendly person. I am a capable person. I am not alone.
I am emotionally calm. I respect myself. I feel happy. I am at peace with myself. I am a responsible person. I can be playful.
I can trust all of my thoughts and emotions. I trust people. I make decisions confidently. Today I am a new person. I touch those near me with love and gentleness. I have a new awareness in my life.
I acknowledge my needs. I allow God to enter my life today. I trust in the serenity my God provides. I am calm and tranquil. I can face my fears and work to overcome them. I take full charge of my life today. I let serenity flow into my life. I feel appreciated today.
I can give to others with no strings attached. I accept my parents and affirm my independence from them. I am independent. I can meet new opportunities without fear. I am alert. I will not be intimidated. I am joyful.
I will seek out friends today. I am a friendly person. I am a good listener. I do not dwell on the past. I look for new challenges. I feel complete today.
I feel great hope. I feel great potential for myself. I feel surrounded by love. I can make things happen. I feel relaxed.
I am a resourceful person. I am non-judgmental. I am tactful in my dealings with others. I am learning to express my love. I feel good about myself.
I express my feelings. I make wise choices. I treat myself with kindness and patience. I am an important person. I am beginning to establish my limits.
I am in charge of my life. I forgive myself and others who have hurt me. I am a friend to myself. I can enjoy leisure without guilt and anxiety.
I can express my anger openly, honestly and appropriately. Today I view my childhood without 
shame. I open my heart to my inner child. I can handle criticism with ease. 




I am going to give this a try for a month and see if it will make a difference. 
It's a new month and new positive me.


Thanks for reading.

Feeling Emotional

So I feel like I'm starting to make progress socially. I've become closer to this girl from my ward, who also struggles socially and spiritually. Her mum is quite similar to mine, so we understand each other. Last Sunday I actually felt good being there. I enjoyed teaching the young women. The talk with Bishop went well. I received some good news, that I will share that with you all next week. I even taught YSA at FHE on Monday and enjoyed it. I looked after my nieces all weekend too, it was lovely having. It was a good Easter weekend. I've had a smile on my face, in front of my friends and family. But truthfully, I'm an emotional wreck. My dad sat us all around the table on Sunday and told us he is hoping the house will be sold in 3 months and he advised us to leave in 6 weeks. So I have £3.50 to my name, no job and soon nowhere to live. So I'm freaking out, every time I think about it, I start crying. I haven't been as emotional as this since I was a teenager. My best friend who isn't talking to me, blanked me on Sunday. I wish that I could talk to her, she always seemed to help me feel better. But I am grateful to those that have spent time to listen to me and try to help me solve my problems. Particularly this one person, who has spent hours listening to me and helping me understand what I'm going through, spiritually and mentally. This world really does have some great people. 

Teenage Life in the Church

Last night I went to youth. I actually enjoyed myself. I love working with the youth. I really enjoyed being a leader at the young women's camp last year. I've always wanted to help and be there for them. Because I know that being a teen sucks at times. I know it's very challenging especially when you have a religion like mine. Although the church is very fun when you're a youth, I know it's hard to live up to the churches expectations. I remember being told as a youth, 'as youth you can be a great example for today's youth.' To have that on your shoulders is very pressurising. Especially when you've already done so many sins. I guess because I have made mistakes I want to help guide people who may have the same struggles. I remember feeling so alone and worthless when I was in my later teens. Because I had done so much, I lost respect for myself. I had no one to help me through that, I had no one to tell me I have worth and that I would get through this. It took me a few years for me to get out of that state of mind. I don't want any of the youth to go through that. I want to be able to help them and free their mind of guilt and self-loathing.
I feel that teenagers are misunderstood. Yes, teenagers can be nasty and intimidating at times. But I think adults forget what it was like to be a teenager. I mean it's a very confusing time. The're starting to get to know their bodies and mind. Their bodies are changing all the time. They are starting to go through awkward things like acne and needing to wash more. They are starting to have new feelings for the opposite/same sex. Each emotion feels bigger when you're a teen. When a parent tells them to do something, they start feeling that their parents are against them. They are not capable of seeing that it's the best for them and that their parents love them. All they see is what they want and their parents are standing in the way of that.
When a teen says they have fallen in love and an adult tells them, 'what you're feeling is nothing. You're young, you don't know what love is.' They are wrong. Yes they probably haven't fallen in love. But it doesn't mean that it's nothing. To that teen it's everything. It's the biggest feeling that they have ever experienced. It's the biggest thing that has happened to them at that point in their life. Yes when they are older they will realise that they didn't love them, but when they are a teen it is real for them. I remember some of my crushes in my teen life. I honestly thought that I loved them, each time someone new came along I fell in complete love with them (in my mind). It felt good and it was special every time I "fell in love" with someone new.
I just feel that adults need to be more sensitive with teens. So many people say that today's teens are awful and have no respect for people. But the fact is that they were the same 10 years ago and 20 years ago. It's just the way teens are. And teens can surprise you at times. If you give them the chance to.
I think I might go church on Sunday. Despite how I'm feeling at the moment.
Oh and the Bishop wants to see me on Sunday. I'm a bit nervous. :/ And to add to my nerves, I'm teaching the Young Women as a favour to my sister. 

Friendship

This post will sound a little jumbled up, probably because my mind is a bit jumbled up. I have made friends in and out of the church. When I became fully active and kept myself worthy I lost some non-member friends. One of which was my best friend, I'm still friends with her now, but we are not even nearly as close. I've had quite a bit of bad luck when it comes to friends. Friends really do come and go. Not saying it's like that for most people, most people seem to have friends for life. My close friendships only seem to last a few years, then we suddenly start to drift. Some people say to me, "maybe you haven't found the right friends yet". I say "maybe it's just me". I honestly think it is me. I can't seem to hold onto friendship outside the church when I'm active and I can't seem to hold onto friend in the church when I'm in-active. And now that I'm on middle ground, I've never felt more alone. My church friends are either progressing in different callings, going on a mission or getting married. My non-member friends don't understand me or the way I feel. I honestly don't know where I stand. Things just seem to be falling apart around me. I have no job, I live with my parents, my Dad is losing his business, which means he can't really have me living here. So I have to find somewhere else to live, with no money. I still don't know if I want to stay a member of the church and that scares the hell out of me, because I know I will be even more alone, because in the church you have security and the friend that I would talk about this to, isn't even talking to me at the moment. And I'm not sure she will ever talk to me. And I also just sound like a whining teenager, who needs to get over herself.  

Can't put a finger on it!

So, now I am sitting in bedroom alone trying to figure out what actually is bothering me in the Church. 
I suppose I have a list of things, but I can honestly say that most members probably struggle with these things. With me I think it's something more deeper than that and I still can't figure it out. 
So I went to Institute this week and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel suffocated and I had no bad feelings. But I still didn't feel good. I just felt numb.I suppose that is progress. I still just feel out of place and that I don't belong. I don't know where I belong. I feel out of place when hanging out with non-members, but I feel out of place with members too. So where is my place? I'm so in-between. I just don't connect with people. I don't what it is about me. 
I've decided to go to church tomorrow. I will update tomorrow.